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Wednesday, October 10, 2012

The top five really really really bad horror movies ever made

I love a good horror movie and I'll watch pretty much anything. And I do love a bad movie as well, which is usually of the horror genre for some reason. But yet there are horror movies out there so bad that even I can't watch them. Given all the crap Hollywood has pumped out lately mislabeled as a horror movie, it was hard to chose the top ten. After drinking a metric ton of alcohol last night to numb the pain I narrowed that list down to what I consider the five shittiest horror movies. Ever.

Number 5: Darkness

Let me preface that I fucking hate this movie. Why do you ask? Because it's what made me form the theory that any PG-13 horror movie is pure shit. When the trailers first came out for it I was stoked. Creepy kids always scare the shit out of me. Plus who isn't afraid of the dark? Yeah this movie killed it for me. As typical with any horror movie these days, they show all the scary scenes in the trailer to lure you in and then you are stuck for 90 minutes watching people running around acting scared when you know the reason why. And the ending just pissed me off, was so abrupt and made no damn sense. What makes me even more mad is I found out years later that it was originally unrated in Spain but was edited to be shown here in the States. And from what I read it was pretty damn scary. But of course we get the dumbed down version that leaves everyone at the end wondering what the fuck just happened.

Number 4: Troll 2

Oh Troll 2 where do I start? First there aren't any trolls in this movie, but goblins. And these goblins are vegetarians that want to eat people but first transform the people into plants so they can then eat said people (yeah I don't make this shit up). A family decides to head to Nilbog for summer vacation (can you guess what nilbog spelled backwards is? This movie has some fucking geniuses writing for it). I won't go into detail about plot (mostly cause there isn't much of one), but this movie has some of the worst acting ever seen. Proven beyond a shadow of a doubt by this clip.

And if you think that's bad, it gets worse. Early in the movie when the family arrives at the house they are staying at they notice a vegetarian style dinner laid out for them. As they are about to eat the main antagonist is visited by the ghost of his grandfather and is told the food will turn the family into plants for the goblins to eat. Grandpa then freezes time allowing our young hero to figure a way to stop his family from eating the doomed dinner. I could explain what happens, but watching the clip makes more sense. Or something like that. Thankfully it gives one of the greatest movie lines at the end.

Number 3: Hobgoblins

Never after watching a movie have I wanted to take a shower so hot it melts the skin off of me. This movie does that. Trying to capitalize on the success of Gremlins, Hobgoblins is a cheap knock off that involves shitty hand puppet monsters, actors probably straight from community college (except for the dude that played Maynard in Pulp Fiction), more parking cars scenes then you can count, and the most epic garden tool fight scene you'll ever see (and probably the only one). But this movie is a whole new level of skeeze. Never before have I wretched while watching a movie and yet this one made me do it at least half a dozen times. Watch the trailer below and share in my pain.

Number 2: Birdemic: Shock and Terror

I love Hitchcock, one of my favorite directors and to me the master of suspense. So when I first heard of Birdemic: Shock and Terror (yes that's it's actual title) and that the director did it as a homage of The Birds (of of my favorite Hitchcock films) I was curios  After watching just the trailer I made the assumption that the director had apparently did all the known cocaine in the world and then procured a Commodore 64 computer to do all of his special effects. Seriously I didn't know movies could be this bad. Horrible acting, horrible pacing, horrible editing, the shittiest special effects you've ever seen (I've seen swedes with better ones, no joke). I just want to know who finances these damn things. And apparently this movie has developed such cult following there there is a sequel in the works. All I can say is grab your coat hangers.

Number 1: House of the Dead

Oh Uwe Boll, what a piece of shit you directed. For those that don't know Uwe Boll is a German "director" (and I use that term loosely) that has a pension for making movies vaguely based off of video games and then shitting out the worst piece of crap on celluloid ever. I don't even know where to start on this thing. Ever play the video game? Remember when a zombie attacked you there would be slashes across the screen letting you know that you were hit? Apparently Boll felt compelled to insert said clips into the movie to inform the audience that a character was indeed attacked by a zombie. I shit you not. And I love that the actors in this movie, who are teens headed to a rave on an island (really?), have combat training in the use of fire arms as well as training in martial arts. Yeah.

And then there is the over use of slow motion special effects. I swear there is so much use of bullet time that the directors of The Matrix should have received a cut from this film. Though given how shitty it did at the box office I think that would add up to about enough to buy a grande white mocha frap at Starbucks. And even Michael Bay would have told Boll to tone it down on the slow motion. There are so many things wrong with this movie and no redeeming values what so ever. So of course they made a sequel just to say "fuck you" to all of us. This movie does have one shining moment in it though. You see the chick who played Lois Lane on Smallville topless. That has to count for something. But given this piece of shit movie, not much.

I looked for a while to find a clips that showed everything, figuring I'd have to find one for the video game clips, slow motion and bullet time, and teenaged Jack Bauers. Imagine my surprise when I found one clip that had all of that plus some shitty hip hop music blaring loudly. Enjoy. :)

So that's my list of what I consider the 5 worst horror movies ever. Yeah I could have included "Manos" Hands of Fate or Plan 9, but that would have been too easy. Sad thing is given the amount of shit Hollywood pumps out each year under the cheap pretense of a horror movie (Paranormal Activity 4 I'm looking at you) that next year could be an entirely new list.