Top five WTF moments in horror movie.

I love horror movies. Hell I've wrote about my favorite (and not so favorite). Watching American Horror Story Freak Show and freaking out at all the scenes of Stabby the Clown (I still refuse to call him Twisty) it got me into thinking of some of the biggest "what the fuck" moments I've seen in horror movies. So with Halloween in a week I thought I'd do another Top 5 horror movies, this time the biggest WTF momemnts.

Number 5: Misery - the hobbling scene
When I think of Kathy Bates and horror I think of this scene (and the nude hot tub scene she did in About Schmidt *wretch*). I remember watching this movie and getting terrified as Kathy Bates' character descended more and more into madness. Then this scene came up and as soon as that sledge hit poor Sonny Corleone's foot I was screaming in shared agony. But when she says "God I love you." I was effing done. To me movies like this will always scare the shit out of me more than gory ones.




Number 4: The Exorcist - spider crawl scene
Another of my favorite horror movies (I even sweded it) and this scene is seriously a huge WTF moment. This scene is just plain wrong. Something about seeing Regan walking backwards like that down the stairs is just plain wrong. This was cut out of the original theatrical release, but not because it terrified people so much as the legends say. It was cut because the special effects of the day weren't able to make the scene believable. The scene was reinserted later when the wires holding up the actress were digitally removed.




Number 3: Dead Alive - the lawnmower scene
Oh Peter Jackson, I love you man but after watching this movie I wonder how in the hell he was able to convince New Line to do Lord of the Rings. Don't get me wrong, I love Dead Alive, it's one of my favorite zombie movies, but going from this to LotR baffles me (yes I know he's done movies in between but still). That being said I had heard of this movie for years and the famous lawn mower scene. Let me just say Rick on Walking Dead could learn from this scene. Interesting bit of trivia here. This scene used over 300 liters of blood, a record for fake blood used in one scene.



Number 2: Scanners - head explosion
Something about this scene. I swear there are times where I wish I was Michael Ironside and I had his head exploding powers. I sometimes catch myself staring intently at someone annoying me, but the only thing that happens is I get a headache and a weird look from the person. That being said this is one of my favorite death scenes and definitely a WTF moment.



Number 1: The Shining - guy in dog costume
Oh Stanley Kubrick you bat shit insane man. I could have done an entire post dedicated to you (perhaps in the future I will) but I had to go with this scene from The Shining as when I first saw it I literally said "what the fuck?" The scene where Wendy is running wildly through The Overlook when she comes across a man in a dog costume getting real friendly with a guy in a suit. It was just so random and chaotic and made no sense. Only years later when reading the book did I find out that the man in the suit was a former owner of the hotel and the guy in the dog suit was his lover. The movie didn't go into this story, so I don't know if Kubrick had to cut the story or just threw this in just to add to the chaos of the scene. Whatever the case it's the most bat shit fucked up scene I've ever seen. Even the screen clip shot below is just fucking weird. Scenes like this are why Kubrick was the best at what he did. Mind fucking with you.



So that's it. Bit different I know. Have a favorite WTF scene of your own? Let me know. I love a good mind fuck.

The top five really really really bad horror movies ever made

I love a good horror movie and I'll watch pretty much anything. And I do love a bad movie as well, which is usually of the horror genre for some reason. But yet there are horror movies out there so bad that even I can't watch them. Given all the crap Hollywood has pumped out lately mislabeled as a horror movie, it was hard to chose the top ten. After drinking a metric ton of alcohol last night to numb the pain I narrowed that list down to what I consider the five shittiest horror movies. Ever.


Number 5: Darkness

Let me preface that I fucking hate this movie. Why do you ask? Because it's what made me form the theory that any PG-13 horror movie is pure shit. When the trailers first came out for it I was stoked. Creepy kids always scare the shit out of me. Plus who isn't afraid of the dark? Yeah this movie killed it for me. As typical with any horror movie these days, they show all the scary scenes in the trailer to lure you in and then you are stuck for 90 minutes watching people running around acting scared when you know the reason why. And the ending just pissed me off, was so abrupt and made no damn sense. What makes me even more mad is I found out years later that it was originally unrated in Spain but was edited to be shown here in the States. And from what I read it was pretty damn scary. But of course we get the dumbed down version that leaves everyone at the end wondering what the fuck just happened.



Number 4: Troll 2

Oh Troll 2 where do I start? First there aren't any trolls in this movie, but goblins. And these goblins are vegetarians that want to eat people but first transform the people into plants so they can then eat said people (yeah I don't make this shit up). A family decides to head to Nilbog for summer vacation (can you guess what nilbog spelled backwards is? This movie has some fucking geniuses writing for it). I won't go into detail about plot (mostly cause there isn't much of one), but this movie has some of the worst acting ever seen. Proven beyond a shadow of a doubt by this clip.



And if you think that's bad, it gets worse. Early in the movie when the family arrives at the house they are staying at they notice a vegetarian style dinner laid out for them. As they are about to eat the main antagonist is visited by the ghost of his grandfather and is told the food will turn the family into plants for the goblins to eat. Grandpa then freezes time allowing our young hero to figure a way to stop his family from eating the doomed dinner. I could explain what happens, but watching the clip makes more sense. Or something like that. Thankfully it gives one of the greatest movie lines at the end.



Number 3: Hobgoblins

Never after watching a movie have I wanted to take a shower so hot it melts the skin off of me. This movie does that. Trying to capitalize on the success of Gremlins, Hobgoblins is a cheap knock off that involves shitty hand puppet monsters, actors probably straight from community college (except for the dude that played Maynard in Pulp Fiction), more parking cars scenes then you can count, and the most epic garden tool fight scene you'll ever see (and probably the only one). But this movie is a whole new level of skeeze. Never before have I wretched while watching a movie and yet this one made me do it at least half a dozen times. Watch the trailer below and share in my pain.



Number 2: Birdemic: Shock and Terror

I love Hitchcock, one of my favorite directors and to me the master of suspense. So when I first heard of Birdemic: Shock and Terror (yes that's it's actual title) and that the director did it as a homage of The Birds (of of my favorite Hitchcock films) I was curios  After watching just the trailer I made the assumption that the director had apparently did all the known cocaine in the world and then procured a Commodore 64 computer to do all of his special effects. Seriously I didn't know movies could be this bad. Horrible acting, horrible pacing, horrible editing, the shittiest special effects you've ever seen (I've seen swedes with better ones, no joke). I just want to know who finances these damn things. And apparently this movie has developed such cult following there there is a sequel in the works. All I can say is grab your coat hangers.


Number 1: House of the Dead

Oh Uwe Boll, what a piece of shit you directed. For those that don't know Uwe Boll is a German "director" (and I use that term loosely) that has a pension for making movies vaguely based off of video games and then shitting out the worst piece of crap on celluloid ever. I don't even know where to start on this thing. Ever play the video game? Remember when a zombie attacked you there would be slashes across the screen letting you know that you were hit? Apparently Boll felt compelled to insert said clips into the movie to inform the audience that a character was indeed attacked by a zombie. I shit you not. And I love that the actors in this movie, who are teens headed to a rave on an island (really?), have combat training in the use of fire arms as well as training in martial arts. Yeah.

And then there is the over use of slow motion special effects. I swear there is so much use of bullet time that the directors of The Matrix should have received a cut from this film. Though given how shitty it did at the box office I think that would add up to about enough to buy a grande white mocha frap at Starbucks. And even Michael Bay would have told Boll to tone it down on the slow motion. There are so many things wrong with this movie and no redeeming values what so ever. So of course they made a sequel just to say "fuck you" to all of us. This movie does have one shining moment in it though. You see the chick who played Lois Lane on Smallville topless. That has to count for something. But given this piece of shit movie, not much.

I looked for a while to find a clips that showed everything, figuring I'd have to find one for the video game clips, slow motion and bullet time, and teenaged Jack Bauers. Imagine my surprise when I found one clip that had all of that plus some shitty hip hop music blaring loudly. Enjoy. :)



So that's my list of what I consider the 5 worst horror movies ever. Yeah I could have included "Manos" Hands of Fate or Plan 9, but that would have been too easy. Sad thing is given the amount of shit Hollywood pumps out each year under the cheap pretense of a horror movie (Paranormal Activity 4 I'm looking at you) that next year could be an entirely new list.

A brief history of vampire movies

Bela Lugosi in his iconic role as Dracula.

Image courtesy of Wikipedia.

The guys over at the Dumbdrum recently asked me to attend a sneak preview of the remake of the classic vampire flick, Fright Night, and write a review for them. I thoroughly enjoyed it (you can read my review here) and it was nice to see an actual vampire flick for once given the recent crop of films that have been released lately (I'm looking at you Twilight). So that had me wondering, what happened to the vampire movie? How did it turn from something that terrified people to something that sparkled in the sun?

The first "official" vampire movie was the classic German film Nosferatu which was released in 1922. What some people may not be aware of is that this was an unlicensed version of Bram Stoker's Dracula (instead of Count Dracula, it was Count Orlok for example) and was so similar to the novel that Stoker's estate sued the filmmakers and won with all copies to be destroyed. Luckily in 1994 a team of European scholars were able to restore the film from five prints that had managed to escape destruction. Another interesting note is that instead of a stake through the heart it was sunlight that destroyed the vampire, a plot device which would later be influential on vampire films and was accepted as part of vampire lore.

The next vampire movie that set a milestone was Universal's Dracula in 1931. The iconic film stared Bela Lugosi and his portrayal is considered to be the definitive Dracula by both film lovers and critics alike. Lugosi had a powerful screen presence, even when he had no dialog audiences were still terrified of him. Unfortunately the role of Dracula led to typecasting for Lugosi. Even though he had success with an earlier stage carrier, the role of Count Dracula would haunt him for the rest of his life.

The character Dracula was used in several other movies in the 1930's and 40's. There was a direct sequel to Dracula, Dracula's Daughter (1936), with another sequel in 1943 called Son of Dracula. And even though the Count had met his apparent death in the 1931 film, he returned for three more Universal films: House of Frankenstein (1944) and House of Dracula as well as Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein (1948)which was Bela Lugosi's second and last turn at playing Count Dracula.

Dracula was introduced to a new generation in 1958 when Christopher Lee played the Count for Hammer Films in Dracula. It was in this film with the spectacular death of Dracula vie being exposed to direct sunlight that reinforced this part of vampire lore that was first introduced in Nosferatu. Christopher played the role in all but two of the seven sequels in the Hammer Film series.

Vampire films weren't just about Dracula, or were horror movies in general. A sub-genre of vampire films, distinct in their own right, formed their own niche. Beginning with the afore mentioned Abbot and Costello Meet Frankenstein, the vampire became a subject of comedy. Roman Polanski's The Fearless Vampire Killers (1967) was a notable parody of the vampire genre. Others like Vampira (1974). Love at First Bite (1979) and Mel Brook's Dracula: Dead and Loving it (1995) were other examples of vampire movies that had received the comedic touch. But it didn't stop there. Several vampire films shot in the 60's and 70's explored the topic of lesbianism. Blood and Roses (1960) was the first followed by the more explicit Hammer Karnstein's Trilogy which started with The Vampire Lovers in 1970. Lesbianism wasn't the only sexual topic as there were also several blaxploitation films made, most notably Blacula (1972) and Scream Blacula Scream (1973).

Cue the 1980's and vampire films returned to their original horror roots. Movies like Salem's Lot (1979), The Lost Boys (1987) as well as the original Fright Night (1985) were extremely popular and are considered cult classics of the vampire genre. The trend continued with Francis Ford Copolla's modern take on Bram Stoker's Dracula (1992), from Dusk Till Dawn (1996) and John Carpenter's Vampires (1998) continued the horror trend.

It was at this time that the vampire movie really started to incorporate romantic elements into it's story line. Copolla's remake had Mina Harker the reincarnation of Dracula's wife. Then there was Interview with the Vampire. Say what you want about it, but both Louis and Lestat were lovers. The film toned down their affair, but in the book it was obvious. Underworld (2003) also had romantic undertones as well. But the original novel by Bram Stoker had these same tones but they were more of commentary on the restrictions of the Victorian era when the novel was written.

Fast forward to the 2000's and there's a sudden shift in the tone of vampire movies. Gone are the elements of horror and terror that had been a staple of the genre for decades. The seductive characteristics were still there, but with the introduction of the Twilight it seems that vampires were no longer creatures or the night that were ruthless killers but troubled souls that sparkled in the sunlight (really?). I know there have been the more traditional vampire movies released this decade (Blade trilogy for example) but for some reason Twilight overshadows them all. Why is that? Is it due to numerous fans out there that scream at the mere mention of Robert Pattinson's name? Or is this the path the vampire genre is heading to? It seems there are clones of Twilight everywhere you look (books, TV series, etc.) and it's possible that there will be another movie out there that tries to mimic it in an attempt to ride it's coattails.

But I honestly doubt that. I don't thing there will be a bunch of Twilight clones out there. It's a fad. And as soon as the last one is released, people will forget about it. There actually have been some fantastic vampire movies recently. 2010's Let Me In was one of the best I had seen in years and I had recommended it to many friends who had been disenchanted with the whole vampire genre. And yes it's a remake, which I usually disdain; I really enjoyed Fright Night (mostly cause of David Tennant). Hopefully more films of this quality will continue to be released and continue the tradition of horror that was started nearly 100 years ago with Nosferatu.

Top 5 movies that scare the hell out of me

Since this is the last week before Halloween it seems that there’s an abundance of horror movies showing. AMC has been airing classic horror movies all week and the 1,298th installment of Saw is about to hit theaters. So that got me thinking, what horror movies scare me? I love a good horror movie, but it takes a lot to scare me. So I thought about it for a while and came up with the top five movies that scared the crap out of me.

Number 5 – The Shining

Stanley Kubrick already does some nutty ass movies (2001, Clockwork Orange anyone), but team him up with a Stephen King novel and you got some good ‘ol fashion nightmare fuel. Now I know Kubrick didn’t stay faithful to the novel, but still it scared the hell out of me. Maybe because the first time I watched it, it was 3:00 am and I was home alone and couldn’t sleep. Why I thought watching this would help me get to sleep I have no clue. I jumped when I saw the elevator of blood, but even though I knew about the twins, nothing could prepare me for the sheer terror that is the twins.

Yeah after that I had no desire to sleep. I blame this movie for the genesis of my fear of twin little girls.

Number 4 – Signs

Ok I know this isn’t really a horror movie, and some people (like 98% of the population) consider M. Night Shyamalan a hack, but I love this movie. Mostly because it plays among one of my paranormal fears, aliens. This was different than most alien invasion movies as it focused mainly on a single family amidst a global event. When I saw this opening night I was tense, I didn’t know what Shyamalan was going to do, but I knew it involved aliens and I had already psyched myself up to be scared. I know people hate the ending, but I enjoyed it (probably that whole faith thing), but the part that really got me was this scene.

To me this is the perfect scene. You really aren’t sure what is going on, the birthday party video is chaotic, and you have Joaquin Phoenix interjecting a bit of humor with his “Move children! Vamanos!” line (even funnier since the kids were Brazilian and most likely spoke Portuguese). Right after that is the money shot, the first glimpse of the alien. And the score adds the perfect touch. From what I read they were going for a Hitchcock Psycho feeling. Well they sure in the hell got it. When I saw this, I was so on edge that when the alien finally did appear the entire audience gasped, but not me. I yelled out “Oh shit!” that’s how freaked out I was.

Number 3 – War of the Worlds (1953)

Let me just say this. I hate the remake of this film. It sucked ass and I was routing for the Martians to get Dakota Fanning. And I know it’s not a horror movie, but it’s another that scared the living piss out of me. This time I was six years old and couldn’t sleep. So my mom said I could watch TV, thinking that would get me to go to sleep. Well the thing she turned on was KMPH 26 (way before it was affiliated with FOX) and the original War of the Worlds was on. So I started to watch it. And get freaked out. Hearing that California was being invaded (and destroyed) terrified me to no end. I didn’t watch the movie for a good ten years or so and even when I finally did, the memories still had me terrified when I saw it again.

Detecting a theme here? Yeah aliens scare the hell out of me. I was almost tempted to put Communion on here, but that would have meant me watching clips of Christopher Walken being abducted by aliens and I'm not that brave.

Number 2 – The Room

Ok this isn’t a scary movie, but has to be one of the WORST movies ever made. It makes Ed Wood look like Martin Scorsese. The director/writer/producer/lead actor (who I think is part French, part Croatian, and part cyborg) claims this movie is a black comedy, but when it was first released it was labeled as a drama. Now that it has a cult following, he says it’s a black comedy.

What’s scary about this you ask? The guy spent over $6 million of his own money to make this thing.

Number 1 – The Blair Witch Project

Blair Witch Project, love it or hate it. Me, I love it. To me this is the perfect horror movie. You have an antagonist you never really show, leaving your mind to try to fill in the blanks, and you have an ending that leaves you saying “WTF?”. But you want to know what about this movie terrified me? That it could happen to me. I wasn’t investigating yet, but I would go search out local legends and take a friend or two. Watching this with my best friend Tom and thinking this could happen to us scared the shit out of me. That and we saw it when it was still thought it was real footage (best marketing ever if you ask me).

I remember driving home at 1:00 am terrified as I lived in the country and knew something would get me. Thankfully I got home safely, but I didn’t sleep very much that night. I still say it's one of the greatest horror movies ever made. It played upon our fears in a realistic way that movies over a decade later are trying to emulate.

So that’s it. Those are the top five movies that have terrified me in one way or the other. Bit different I know, but hey since when have I followed the norms here?