Summer 2013 UFO reports for the San Joaquin Valley

Summer is always a slow time for Weird Fresno (I don't know who hates the heat more, me or the ghosts) and I've been working on a few things but thought I'd post some recent UFO reports from the National UFO Reporting Center as it has been a while. One thing I want to note is that the two sightings from Merced, which read similar, sound like they were reports of the Google Project Loon, where they were testing high altitude balloons to deliver high speed internet to areas that do not have it. I know for a fact that they were testing in the valley recently and one UFO sighting that made the news turned out to be Project Loon. Still that being said, that can't be the reason for all these sightings. Please note that these reports are posted as they were reported on the NUFORC site, I haven't edited them in any way.



Occurred : 8/23/2013 20:30
Location: Fresno, CA
Shape: Light
Duration:2 minutes

Two lights of differnt size and brightness traveled in differnt directions and faded out.

Low in the eastern sky I observed a bright light as bright as Jupiter would be.

Suddenly out of this light came a very small light traveling at a high rate of speed toward the north.

As the small light went away it slowly dimmed out.

At that time I noticed something strange about the big bright light. It looked like it was falling straight down, then suddenly it began to dim and after about 10 seconds it was gone.

Link.



Occurred : 8/12/2013 22:00
Location: Hanford, CA
Shape: Sphere
Duration:3 minutes

About four days earlier my husband was working on the flight line at NAS Lemoore, CA, and he and two of his coworkers saw three brights stars moving in a triangle formation when one changed direction and moved off quickly.

Then, I and two neighbors saw the one brights star make a few strange movements then take off quickly.

I am retired military and know this was not an aircraft.

Sincerely, ((name and e-address deleted))

P.S. Keep strong. Your work is important.

Link.



Occurred : 8/9/2013 12:15
Location: Merced, CA
Shape: Circle
Duration:1 hour

Two bright dots, moving west to east, viewed in a telescope

At 11:45, on August 09, 2014, a police officer at Merced College asked me (I am an astronomy Professor), what the object in the sky is. He pointed to a bright dot of light that was approximately at zenith and a magnitude brightness of about (-2). The officer said that he was reported about the object about 15 minutes earlier. The skies were clear blue, and the sun was bright, almost at zenith.

I set up the colleges 5 inch Celestron telescope with a 20mm objective.

Under magnification, the object was indeed a disc with what appeared to be a set of “lights” in the 0-90 degree quadrant of the circle. Another astronomy instructor, 2 more police officers and several students observed the object as it moved from zenith to the west. It covered about 25 angular degrees in the span of about 15 minutes. We took photographs of the object with cell phone cameras through the telescope.

While watching the object, an officer saw another, similar object coming in from the east, at about the same magnitude brightness. The object moved westward, until it was at zenith overhead and then continued west. The time it took to travel from an altitude of about 80 degrees to zenith was about 10 minutes. We observed this object under same magnification, and saw a silvery disc, with the same “lights” along the same quadrant.

Both objects left our view, passing westward. The entire viewing time was about 1.5 hours.

Our working hypothesis is that we saw Mylar balloons, or weather balloons, with the sunlight reflecting off the “dimples” along the edge of the balloon.

End of report

Link.



Occurred : 8/9/2013 11:00
Location: Merced, CA
Shape: Circle
Duration:3.5 hours

Circular, shiny, reflective object clearly observed in sky on August 9, 2013 at 11:00 am by several witnesses

This circular shiny object that appeared to be static in the sky did not make noise that we could hear. I first observed this object at 11 AM when I looked up into the trees. The object that was visible to the naked eye seemed unnatural to me. I called the attention to my adult daughter who agreed that we were not looking at something that was man-made.

I called 3 other people over to see this thing and they also had no explanation as to what this object was.

I also phoned my husband who, with several co-workers who work at the local college, went outside to see this "UFO". They had no explanation of its origins. They even observed it through a high powered telescope and it still appeared to be shiny, circular, and reflective.

I went home and was unable to see it at 2:30 as there was now a cloud-cover in the area. I will look again after the cloud-cover dissipates to see if it is still there.

Link.



Occurred : 8/4/2013 22:00
Location: Clovis, CA
Shape: Light
Duration:30 seconds

Bright light that weaves from left to right and was a fast mover.

At the approximate time indicated my family and I had just come home from a vacation from in Santa Cruz. I was in the process of unloading our vehicle when a very bright light caught my attention from the west (West being Fresno area) I decided that it was nothingbe but a plane and continued unloading the vehicle. At this point I noticed it was moving way faster than any plane I have ever seen...and that's saying something since there is a NGAFB with NORAD connections in Fresno. I then decided to stop unloading temporarily to watch it's path and try to confirm to myself it was a plane.

As I continued to watch it my mother had come out to help unload the vehicle. When I told her I jokingly said " hey mom look a UFO, haha". It was at that point I realized it was something I had never seen before. As I looked up again my mother chimed in "it's moving in a left to right movement". I watched and to my amazement it indeed was moving from left t! o right very very fast! Almost as like a radio wave on a monitor going up and down on a sort of curve. If you can picture that but of a bright object in the sky that's exactly what it looked like. To make it even more weird there was absolutely no sound to this object. It continued in a NE direction until fading from view.

Link.



Sighting Report
Occurred : 8/3/2013 23:00
Location: Fresno, CA
Shape: Light
Duration:7 minutes

I was asleep while my step dad proceeded to go outside to have a cigarette around 11:00 pm. When out of no where he started to wake me up saying come see this, come see this! I hesitated and told him unless it was an emergency not to wake me up, but he proceeded to tell me that I had to come see what was in the Sky.

So I finally got up just to get him to stop bothering me, when I stepped out side i was instantly enamored It was a big blue light that moved effortlessly high in the sky almost like a bird, it flew for a little bit in a direction but would effortlessly turn back around to were it started. It was beautiful and mysterious. Too big and too bright to be a toy or something controlled by someone below, It moved like an aircraft but much more elegantly and effortlessly. Best way to explain it. I don't really believe in Aliens but whatever it was, I have never seen anything quite like it.

After awhile it seemed like it was falling downwards like an air! plane out of control and then it dissipated. Below were it has a choice of picking there were lights on the object, the object was a light.


((NUFORC Note: Witness elects to remain totally anonymous; provides no contact information. PD))

Link.



Occurred : 7/27/2013 22:09
Location: Lemoore, CA
Shape: Cross
Duration:1 minute

Silent Flying Cross with 3 round white lights 41 N Lemoore sighting July 27, 2013

Driving on Highway 41 N just entering Lemoore about a mile away from the 198 overpass at a little after 10 pm , looked to my right and saw what I thought might be a low flying crop duster. I closed my sunroof vent thinking I don't want any residue/pesticide getting in my car. But as the aircraft approached my vehicle I started to realize it wasn't making ANY noise. I looked closer and realized it was flying weird, so I looked closer and noticed it was the shape of a cross flying AT me straight up and down like nothing man made that I know can fly. It had three round white lights at the top of the cross and each side of the cross. As I was driving (very tired) and processing all that I saw, I waited for the flying object to make a sound or a gush of wind to push against my car and never felt or heard anything. I quickly looked to my left and did not see a thing!! What could disappear like that? As I craned my neck around I saw what I thought looked like a Air traffic control tower (a small one ) in a field behind me dark, and lit up only by tons of tiny blue lights in the form of a circle at the top. So weird...my husband woke up a few minutes later and I told him that I thought I saw a crop duster fly really close to our car but it didn't make any noise...he said " crop duster's don't fly at night" so I told him what I saw and he said he would look on the internet to see if anyone else saw the same thing at the same time since there were tons of other cars on the road. And sure enough, there are....Kinda freaking out now. Looks like these sightings have been going on for some time now...Weird.


Link.

Note from Weird Fresno here. This sounds similar the infamous Interstate 5 Mystery Lights which turned out to be misidentified crop dusters. Crop dusters do indeed fly at night as I was witness to one evening.



Occurred : 7/17/2013 21:14
Location: Selma, CA
Shape: Light
Duration:1 minute

Yellowish/orange light seen moving with the horizon, then made a sharp S patern, changed colors and went straight down rapidly

At 9:14 PM on Saturday July, 27 2013 I was sitting in my back yard in Selma CA with a friend and we both saw what we thought was a helicopter moving South across the night sky to our North-West. It had a very odd orange color light. We continued watching it when it made a vary sharp series of turns in an S shape. Before it disappeared behind the trees it changed to a blueish color then went straight down very rapidly then disappeared.

2 days later, on Monday, July 29 2013 at approx 8:30 PM I was once again in my back yard when I started watching another bright orange light, this time to my immediate East. It moved very rapidly toward the North. At first I assumed it was a F-16(as there is a Airport and Base in the area) but it vanished. It wasn't quite dark yet, so if it merely turned off its lights I would have still seen the plane, but the craft wasn't there anymore and a sound never accompanied the light. Another friend was with me and witnessed this as well.

Link.



Occurred : 6/14/2013 21:20
Location: Firebaugh, CA
Shape: Unknown
Duration:1-2 minutes

Appeared to be the size of a large UFO with 3 perfectly round bright white lights, flying 100' off of ground, very slow & silent.

While driving home from San Luis Obispo, CA at approximately 2120 at night, on interstate 5 going North between the Little Panoche Road and Firebaugh CA Exits we saw an unidentified aircraft flying at approximately 100' off the ground. The aircraft was only visible by the 3 large, round, bright white lights that were evenly spaced in a row horizontally. The lights seemed to be about 4 times larger than a car headlight with no other visible lights and we could not make out the shape of the body. Just by looking at the lights and how they were spread out horizontally I would guess that the span of the aircraft would be that of the wing span of a 737 aircraft. We saw the aircraft fly very slowly directly ahead of and in front of us. As the aircraft was on the passenger side of the car, I remarked to my wife to "watch that aircraft, it looks like it is going to land, make an emergency landing", I kept on saying, "watch it, keep an eye on it....! keep on watching it". Then as it came around to the east side of our car and crossed the highway going from the east to the west it quietly flew past and flew around on the west side of the freeway. We thought it was an aircraft that was coming in for an emergency landing, as it was flying at an incredibly slow speed and very low to the ground. The aircraft was silent or at least very quiet because we heard no noise as it passed overhead in front of us. The car windows were up and the radio was on, but something flying that low and slow would have made some noise and turbulence as it passed over, we noticed no noise or abnormal movement of our car from the passing craft. The craft then flew around on the west side of the freeway, disappeared from view and then I saw it in my side and rear view mirrors, my wife also saw the craft as she turned around to look out the back windows. It maneuvered slowly and smoothly unlike any airliner, small aircraft or helicopter w! ould appear to fly. We saw it for what seemed to be approxima! tely 1-2 minutes until we were somewhat farther down the highway and could no longer see the aircrafts lights. I am an Aircraft Rescue Firefighter that has worked at an airport and around aircrafts for over 21 years and I have never seen that configuration of 3 round, large, equally space bright white lights on any aircraft and It seemed to maneuver like no other aircraft that I have seen flying.

Link.



Occurred : 6/2/2013 21:45
Location: Fresno, CA
Shape: Light
Duration:10 minutes

6 glowing white orbs and two military jets sighted, two orbs nearly collided

saw 6 ufos they were glowing white orbs two flew straight at each other nearly colliding 2 military jets also flew into few at an unknown elevation the larger of the white orbs continued on in a north west direction while the smaller one went out of view going south west the larger one was then intersected by 4 different glowing white orbs while trans versing the sky they seemed very high up and made no noise the military jets didn't seem to be chasing them but it was very interesting timing that they would show up to see the near collision

Link.



Occurred : 5/31/2013 21:45
Location: Fresno, CA
Shape: Light
Duration:15 minutes

formation of 6 orange orbs flying over fresno ca may 31st 2013

at 8 30 my son and i observed 2 brightly glowing orange orbs traveling from the northwest to the southeast over the fresno metropolitan area, they did not blink or have any anti collision or landing lights and made no discernible sound, about half way across the horizon nearly over head they faded and blinked out then a few minutes later two more came in the same direction and blinked out nearly exactly where the first two disappeared this was followed by a 5th object by itself and did the exact same thing by this time my son and i had got to a place where there wasn't as much light pollution just in time to see a sixth object, when this one blinked out it was nearly directly overhead and there was enough daylight left to observe a structured craft of some sort that was round on the bottom these were not satellites since they don't travel in packs they were not conventional aircraft, since they made no sound or had any anti collision lights, i am wondering if maybe they were drones? i am not sure but this is the second time i have observed this same phenomenon, my son and i observed three traveling in the same direction about 6 months ago

Link.

My review of the film The Conjuring

I had the privilege to see an advance screening of the paranormal themed movie "The Conjuring". To be honest I was a bit trepadicious about this as paranormal movies of late haven't impressed me (I'm still bitter about how much The Last Exorcism sucked and did we really need a sequel?) but given the fact that this movie was based upon a well known case by famed paranormal investigators Ed and Lorraine Warren gave me a bit of hope. Still ever the skeptic I went in not knowing what to expect.

I won't give away many plot details, but it involves a family moving into a new house in the country (always seems to be the case right?) and the ensuing paranormal activity they encounter. Finally they enlist the help from Ed and Lorraine Warren to try to determine what's going on and to try to help the family. 

 I really enjoyed the movie and it follows the story pretty closely (it's dramatic in some parts but hey it's a movie, it's supposed to be like that). Both Patrick Wilson (loved him in Watchmen) and Vera Farmiga were great casting decisions as Ed and Lorraine. The director and cinematographer did a great job setting the mood for the story. Honestly the way it was shot reminded me a bit of The Exorcist, it had that grainy realistic feel to it. Pacing was good and I just have to say to the studio a big thank you for not putting all the scary parts in the trailer and actually leaving most of them out and this lead to the audience jumping several times at unexpected moments. 

 What I really liked was that it showed how intense a demonic possession can be. It seems like most TV shows throw around the term demon like its common place or something and that anyone with a bible and a vial of holy water can cast out. This is far from the truth. For anyone who does go see this, try to keep that in mind. I know I'm preaching, but this is one of my biggest pet peeves in the paranormal community of people labeling themselves "demonologists" because it sounds cool. Trust me it's not.

 Overall I really enjoyed the film and will definitely go see it again when it comes out. It's hard to say what my favorite part is, but I loved how they discussed briefly the Annabelle case (a demonic possession involving a haunted doll) and they even hinted at Amityville at the end. Remember this is a movie based on a true story so they took some liberties with it. But it's a good movie and I would definitely recommend it.

Murdered prostitute said to haunt old Sanger bar where she was killed

On May 16, 1993 one of the worst massacres in the history of Fresno County occurred on the outskirts of the town of Sanger at a little bar called Carrillo's Club. It was after 2:00 am and the bar had just closed when two men armed with semi-automatic weapons entered the bar and opened fire on. When it was over a total of seven people were dead including the owner, his mother, his half-brother, a friend, and three employees. For years the murders remained unsolved until an inmate that was already serving time for another murder in Fresno County, a Johnnie Malarkey, admitted the being one of the two gunmen (the other, a Allen Helfin, committed suicide in 1998). Upon his admission the case was closed and he is currently serving several life imprisonments for the crimes he committed.

The murders aren't the only sordid history that Carrillo's Club was a part of. For years the place was rumored to be a hub for drug trafficking and prostitution and was well known for being a scene of rapes, stabbings, and numerous shootings. Given the fact that it was on the outskirts of Sanger it fell into a grey area of jurisdiction between the city and Fresno County as to who had authority over it. The murders were the finally grisly act in a place steeped in a history or illicit activity.

Even though the bar is no longer around, it seems one of its former patrons ghostly form has been seen near the old location. Many witnesses have seen the ghost of a young woman walking down the road in the direction of Fresno. She's usually only seen for an instant before she disappears. Interesting enough it's thought she isn't one of the victims from the 1993 shootings, but was a prostitute that was murdered there years ago. For whatever reason she continues to walk down the road, perhaps still trying to get home.

Triangle shaped UFO seen north of Fresno along Hwy. 41

It seems this video of a UFO filmed north of Fresno was making the rounds all last week. First a Canadian website was reporting on it and then one in India and multiple UFO websites out there. Watching the video several times had me perplexed. It wasn't a typical blurred out airplane on approach. So what was it? I decided to leave a comment on the person who posted the video to YouTube and see if they would get back to me.

As luck would have it, they did. A husband and wife were driving north on Hwy 41 when the husband saw a strange light near Valley Children's Hospital. They quickly exited 41 at Children's Blvd. and looped around Mesa Blvd. until it turned into Cobb Ranch Rd. It was here they got a good view of the object and proceeded to film it.

From what I was told the object wasn't moving very fast and at first it seemed to move slowly towards them before reversing its course and heading back the way it had come before disappearing out of sight.

I has asked if anyone else besides the couple had seen it and was told no. I had also mentioned the possibility of it being a medvac helicopter coming in for a landing but was told by the wife that they live near Fresno Yosemite and is familiar with what a helicopter looks like as it's nearing touchdown.

So here's the proverbial question: what was this thing? Could the witnesses be wrong and it was a helicopter approaching the hospital? I asked the witness what day and time they had filmed this and was told it was on February 14 at around 10:00 pm (maybe the aliens were going for a romantic drive?) and several phone calls have been made to Valley Children's to see if any medvacs landed around that time. I'm also going to see if I can find a number through either Fresno Yosemite or the FAA and see if I can find anything out this way. Even if I'm told nothing was in the area at that time that rules out the possibility of a helicopter. This leads it to either being some government type aircraft or aliens taking a joy ride through the San Joaquin River. If it was some government secret project, why have lights on the damn thing and fly it near a hospital? Though given the current state of affairs in DC and the lack of any common sense this wouldn't surprise me really. As for aliens, I guess it's possible. I mean Valley Children's has some advanced tech in it, maybe they were curious as to how we treat our young. Nah, I still say they were joy riding. It's what I would do if dad left me the keys to his flying saucer.

Interesting enough the witness also included this map of where they were located when the filmed the object as well as an estimate of where the object was at given some known locations and distances. I wonder if anyone else at the hospital saw this. I think it’s time to do a bit of digging.

Does a secret vampire underground society exist in Fresno?

Cleaning up my inbox this evening I came across an email I received back in June 2011 from a local paranormal investigator. In it they asked me if I had every heard of an underground society in the Fresno area that possibly had vampiric practices. The person also mentioned something about a door on Belmont Ave under the overpass that's east of Roeding Park and it being a possible entrance to an underground area where the society supposedly meets.

From the description they gave me the door is sometimes locked, but is usually left ajar. The investigator asked around and was told it was nothing more than a maintenance room but decided to investigate for themselves. They parked their car a bit away and walked to the door. Unfortunately the door was padlocked but the way the lock is set up you can somewhat squeeze in to have a look (if you look at the photo I posted you can see what the person meant). They were able to shine a light inside and saw a set of stairs going down and nothing that would portray the room as being something for storing maintenance supplies there.

The door to a secret undergound society? Or to a broom closet?

Now I wrote the person back but never received a response. Could the person be trying to pull a fast one on me? Perhaps. Or the conspiracy theorist would say the person who contacted me was "taken care of" by the underground society (I like to think they have their own version of Luca Brasi). But if that was the case, why not me as well? Most likely this was just some rumor the person heard and knowing that I like to keep track of all things strange in Fresno, contacted me to see if I knew of anything. And when I said I didn't, they probably lost interest in the subject.

But that doesn't mean there aren't secret societies in Fresno. There's a Freemason Lodge on Shields Avenue, and I believe there is also a Odd Fellow's Lodge in the area too. I know these aren't that secret anymore; but they still are clouded in mystery, especially the Freemasons. As for any vampiric secret societies in the Fresno area, I doubt they exist. But if they do, please feel free to have a member contact me. But just don't drink my blood. I imagine with the amount of nachos I eat it would be like drinking Tapatio.

UFO seen over Clovis in October 2012

I thought I would delve back into UFO sightings for a bit, mostly because the ghostly aspect of Fresno has been quiet as of late. I decided to check out the Mutual UFO Network's (MUFON) website as they list sightings by county and see if they had anything interesting. And as luck would have it something strange was reported in Clovis on October 21, 2012. Here's the report as it was filed with MUFON:

I received a phone call tonight from my Mother around 9:30 PM telling me about the UFO that her and my Father just saw. My parents were driving in their car, making my Dad the driver and my Mother the passenger. As they were heading WEST on the streets of Eighth and Pollasky my Mother told me she noticed a bright orange snowflake/star shaped UFO hovering around above a Catholic church(Our Lady of Perpetual Help Church). She told me this occurred around 9:10pm or so. These streets are located in a neighborhood so when they came to a stop sign my Mom pointed the UFO out to my Father who then looked and saw the same bright orange UFO who he also described as being bright orange especially being against the night sky. My Mom said the object was just hovering over the church for a little bit. But my Father became scared and drove a little down the street aways from the object. My Mother was not scared but intrigued by the sighting and told my Father to stop on the side of the street. She told me they were both looking at the object from inside the car pulled over on the side of the street. When they were parked looking at the object my Mother said the UFO started slowly hover towards their car and then became dim in color but was still slightly visible with a more transparent shade of orange. My Mom kept her eyes on the object as she said it started moving away in the opposite direction of the moon (East). At the time they were the only ones driving on the road but then another vehicle turned on the street from Minnewawa onto eighth and when this happened my Mother said the UFO disappeared. When the UFO was visible my Mother also tried to tell my Father to take a photo with his cell phone but my Mom said he was so shocked he couldnt sum up the courage. Both my parents are devoted Christians and to get this phone call from my Mom really took me by surprise thats why I felt I had to report this myself since my parents arent technologically inclined as me with using computers. I was bummed though that they didnt get a picture.

My first inclination was to think that this was another Chinese lantern mistaken for some sort of aerial craft. But the description of the UFO is different than the characteristics that a Chinese lantern portrays; the lanterns usually drift up slowly as they are carried aloft by the wind currents. This hovered over a church and then moved towards the witnesses' car before disappearing. Lanterns don't hover, trust me, seeing that I've seen one myself (and misidentified it as a UFO). So what was seen over Clovis that October night? Perhaps Fresno is the UFO hotspot that some claim it to be.

Is a hundred year old tavern in Tracy haunted by a former owner?

The Banta Inn located in Tracy, California

Photo courtesy of Running Wolf Productions

About two hours north of Fresno is the town of Tracy. Though it was incorporated into a city in 1910, the city's history goes further back. In the late 1890's it was a small, but growing town, and a two story saloon was built. The first floor was the actual saloon and the upstairs acted as an inn of sorts. It was said the owner of the place was associated with Joaquin Murrieta and the saloon also acted as a gambling parlor where the upstairs inn doubled as a bordello. The inn was a popular stop on the stagecoach line and was also a known place for gold miners and panners to trade in their tired mules for a pair of fresh ones.

In 1937 tragedy struck as the Banta Inn nearly burned to the ground. No one knows what started the fire, but when it was finally put out the bodies of a mother and her child were found. Despite this tragedy the inn was quickly rebuilt, but this time as a one story general store. Given it's history, the owners decided to keep the original name of Banta Inn despite the fact there were no longer any rooms used as lodging.

Sometime in the 1960's the owner's daughter and her husband Ton decided to turn the general store back into a bar and restaurant. Tony's favorite place was behind the bar and he was known for stacking coins at the register and playing poker by himself when business was slow. One day in 1968, while tending bar, Tony had a heart attack and collapsed and died.

Even before Tony's death the Banta Inn was said to be haunted; the mother and child from the 1938 fire were said to have been seen around the Inn for years. Soon after Tony passed away workers would find money stacked by the bar's register even though it was locked and no one was in the room. Ashtrays and other times would be found in locations different than where they had been left. And sometimes the TV would change channels even though no one would touch the remote.

What are the reasons behind these hauntings? With Tony it seems that he is still at the bar where he was the most happiest. And it seems he still likes to make his presence known. But what of the mother and child, why do they haunt the Banta Inn? Witnesses have heard the voice of a child crying and as stated before both mother and child have been seen. Could these two not realize they are ghosts and are trying to reach out for help? Or is it just part of the incident replaying over and over like a video recording, fading as the years go by? One thing is for certain; the place is definitely haunted and is one of the more known spots in the country for having paranormal activity.

Last I checked the Inn was still open as a bar/restaurant and they are very open to their history, both regular and paranormal. Perhaps next time I head up that way I'll stop by for lunch or dinner and say hi to Tony.

The top five really really really bad horror movies ever made

I love a good horror movie and I'll watch pretty much anything. And I do love a bad movie as well, which is usually of the horror genre for some reason. But yet there are horror movies out there so bad that even I can't watch them. Given all the crap Hollywood has pumped out lately mislabeled as a horror movie, it was hard to chose the top ten. After drinking a metric ton of alcohol last night to numb the pain I narrowed that list down to what I consider the five shittiest horror movies. Ever.


Number 5: Darkness

Let me preface that I fucking hate this movie. Why do you ask? Because it's what made me form the theory that any PG-13 horror movie is pure shit. When the trailers first came out for it I was stoked. Creepy kids always scare the shit out of me. Plus who isn't afraid of the dark? Yeah this movie killed it for me. As typical with any horror movie these days, they show all the scary scenes in the trailer to lure you in and then you are stuck for 90 minutes watching people running around acting scared when you know the reason why. And the ending just pissed me off, was so abrupt and made no damn sense. What makes me even more mad is I found out years later that it was originally unrated in Spain but was edited to be shown here in the States. And from what I read it was pretty damn scary. But of course we get the dumbed down version that leaves everyone at the end wondering what the fuck just happened.



Number 4: Troll 2

Oh Troll 2 where do I start? First there aren't any trolls in this movie, but goblins. And these goblins are vegetarians that want to eat people but first transform the people into plants so they can then eat said people (yeah I don't make this shit up). A family decides to head to Nilbog for summer vacation (can you guess what nilbog spelled backwards is? This movie has some fucking geniuses writing for it). I won't go into detail about plot (mostly cause there isn't much of one), but this movie has some of the worst acting ever seen. Proven beyond a shadow of a doubt by this clip.



And if you think that's bad, it gets worse. Early in the movie when the family arrives at the house they are staying at they notice a vegetarian style dinner laid out for them. As they are about to eat the main antagonist is visited by the ghost of his grandfather and is told the food will turn the family into plants for the goblins to eat. Grandpa then freezes time allowing our young hero to figure a way to stop his family from eating the doomed dinner. I could explain what happens, but watching the clip makes more sense. Or something like that. Thankfully it gives one of the greatest movie lines at the end.



Number 3: Hobgoblins

Never after watching a movie have I wanted to take a shower so hot it melts the skin off of me. This movie does that. Trying to capitalize on the success of Gremlins, Hobgoblins is a cheap knock off that involves shitty hand puppet monsters, actors probably straight from community college (except for the dude that played Maynard in Pulp Fiction), more parking cars scenes then you can count, and the most epic garden tool fight scene you'll ever see (and probably the only one). But this movie is a whole new level of skeeze. Never before have I wretched while watching a movie and yet this one made me do it at least half a dozen times. Watch the trailer below and share in my pain.



Number 2: Birdemic: Shock and Terror

I love Hitchcock, one of my favorite directors and to me the master of suspense. So when I first heard of Birdemic: Shock and Terror (yes that's it's actual title) and that the director did it as a homage of The Birds (of of my favorite Hitchcock films) I was curios  After watching just the trailer I made the assumption that the director had apparently did all the known cocaine in the world and then procured a Commodore 64 computer to do all of his special effects. Seriously I didn't know movies could be this bad. Horrible acting, horrible pacing, horrible editing, the shittiest special effects you've ever seen (I've seen swedes with better ones, no joke). I just want to know who finances these damn things. And apparently this movie has developed such cult following there there is a sequel in the works. All I can say is grab your coat hangers.


Number 1: House of the Dead

Oh Uwe Boll, what a piece of shit you directed. For those that don't know Uwe Boll is a German "director" (and I use that term loosely) that has a pension for making movies vaguely based off of video games and then shitting out the worst piece of crap on celluloid ever. I don't even know where to start on this thing. Ever play the video game? Remember when a zombie attacked you there would be slashes across the screen letting you know that you were hit? Apparently Boll felt compelled to insert said clips into the movie to inform the audience that a character was indeed attacked by a zombie. I shit you not. And I love that the actors in this movie, who are teens headed to a rave on an island (really?), have combat training in the use of fire arms as well as training in martial arts. Yeah.

And then there is the over use of slow motion special effects. I swear there is so much use of bullet time that the directors of The Matrix should have received a cut from this film. Though given how shitty it did at the box office I think that would add up to about enough to buy a grande white mocha frap at Starbucks. And even Michael Bay would have told Boll to tone it down on the slow motion. There are so many things wrong with this movie and no redeeming values what so ever. So of course they made a sequel just to say "fuck you" to all of us. This movie does have one shining moment in it though. You see the chick who played Lois Lane on Smallville topless. That has to count for something. But given this piece of shit movie, not much.

I looked for a while to find a clips that showed everything, figuring I'd have to find one for the video game clips, slow motion and bullet time, and teenaged Jack Bauers. Imagine my surprise when I found one clip that had all of that plus some shitty hip hop music blaring loudly. Enjoy. :)



So that's my list of what I consider the 5 worst horror movies ever. Yeah I could have included "Manos" Hands of Fate or Plan 9, but that would have been too easy. Sad thing is given the amount of shit Hollywood pumps out each year under the cheap pretense of a horror movie (Paranormal Activity 4 I'm looking at you) that next year could be an entirely new list.